from ´Paris: A Love Story´ by Kati Morton

When we travel, we are moved in many ways. We take in so much through our eyes and our other senses. So much of it is beautiful. Many things are disturbing. And we are pushed beyond our comfort zone daily. Traveling stirs up a lot inside. I am finding I need a lot of time to ponder life’s big questions, and question what I see and hear.

Between trains in Budapest, with 17kg backpack
Between trains in Budapest, with 17kg backpack

When I read ‘Paris: A Love Story’ while in airports and other waiting places (yes, I have been learning to wait and to slow down!), Kati Morton’s words really spoke to me. She also introduced me to Budapest. Little did I know at the time, that Budapest and Hungary were very closely connected to where I was headed to in Romania.

I feel a need to share some of Kati Morton’s most personal words, slightly adapated, about her experiences grieving, which speak for me and my experience.

“So, my life must be reinvented. No living backward. No living forward. Living in the present. But first: faced squarely. He really isn´t coming back. There will never be anyone else like him. No one will ever challenge, amuse, provoke, or (occasionally) annoy me, nor so get me ever again. These days and weeks only seem to clarify my loss. Who to share with the minute trumphs and tiny slights – imagined or real? When I write something, I want to show him. Who else cares as much as he did?
It is the daily, granular sharing of the most trivial details of life – of little or no interest to anyone else – that forged our bond. It is the freedom to share my least worthy thought.”

In the days that follow loss: “Its a glorious day. I note with relief that another day is almost over. This is wrong! One day less; one more I will not get back. I will stop this business of filling up the day and start living. But grieving is not a straight line. With each new year and with each new chapter in my life, he is pulled farther away from me. A part of me resists.

To start living again: “The past should not imprison me. But when we grieve for someone, we grieve every loss. No one is exempt from loss. Loss opens up space for a different life. The goal for my life now is to get the best from myself.

Old patterns change and I am shifting into a new definition of self. Sometimes, I see myself from the third person, as he would have seen me, cheering myself on. I can channel him in more difficult situations. I try to hear again his words of encouragement. Losing someone is the opportunity I needed to come into my own. Life alone is much more challenging than when we have someone watching our back. I feel lucky for this chance to grow and to work on myself. I am a work in progress.

“I believe that perfecting oneself is life’s principal purpose…
We may not reform the world, but at least we can reform ourselves,
and we are, after all, a small part of this world.” –
Marguerite Yourcenar

Thank you Peter

Published by Kaytlyn Creutzberg, BSc, NSch, MA

#SayItLikeItIs: Kaytlyn writes not only about applying a spiritual care therapeutic model to farming, but also how collective cultural narratives impact the choices we make that result in a pervasive "don't care" attitudinal construct towards Earth and Her landscapes. (formerly Gayl)

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